MATRIXSYNTH: Metasonix KV-100 Multi Effect System The Assblaster Tube Synth Effect SN 111

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Metasonix KV-100 Multi Effect System The Assblaster Tube Synth Effect SN 111

via this auction

"From the dark raunchy minds of Metasonix comes The KV-100 Assblaster. When it comes to loud and wicked sounds, Metasonix are our champions. If you wanna REALLY spice up any audio signal, run it through an Assblaster and you'll be shot into an array of fuzzy madness that will crush the most abstract sounds. We wish we were twisted enough to explain what this pedal does exactly so heres the information from Metasonix site:

"The Metasonix KV-100 is not called the "Assblaster" for nothing. We've taken all of our knowledge of extreme vacuum-tube audio processing and combined it into a single convenient, easy-to-use package. Inevitably, the end of the TM series will cause shit-eating, ass-fisting guitar players to whine about how "underappreciated" they are. So, we're feeding them a foot-long fecal sandwich of audio penis.

It's complete with disgusting and juvenile cartoon art by Dave Lovelace, of Retarded Animal Babies fame.

The KV-100 contains the following:
--five goddamn real new-old-stock VACUUM TUBES.
--the basic preamp stage of our TM-7 Scrotum Smasher, driving:
--the waveshaping (pulser) and ring modulation functions of our TM-1, minus the ring-modulator carrier oscillator, which then drives;
--a VCO derived from our TM-3 (it is NOT intended for use as a synthesizer pitch source, only as a special effect for signal degradation), leading to;
--an all-new wide-sweeping bandpass filter, with envelope filter function plus wah capability (external pedal);
--plus an envelope follower, which also makes a gate signal;
--and a noise gate on the output, which is always active and is driven by said gate signal.

Plus relay-based true bypass for the main circuit, plus relay controlled activation of the VCO and pulser. Controllable with manual switches or external Fender-type amp footswitches.

Plus plenty of processing inputs and outputs for control voltages. No MIDI, dammit.

Only 8 knobs allow for vast ranges of distortion and effects, from subtle to flaming-enema. It's for those filthy, nutsack-sucking guitarists. Because they deserve, and love, flaming enemas.

Yes, you can plug your damn guitar into it, Yes, you can plug line-level sources into it. Yes you can run the output to a guitar amp or any mixer. Yes, all the inputs and outputs are compatible with modular synthesizers.

No, it's not sorta-kinda-like a Line 6 anything. No, it's not a tube-man version of a Digi-Tech or Boss any-damn-thing. No, for the ten-millionth time, it won't make you play like Steve Vai, ass-sucker. I'm getting really sick of feeding sarcasm to the geeks who own 40 bootleg Korn albums and read Guitar World with their lips moving. (They say things like "Dude, I bought them off a guy in the public toilet, he said they wuz real!") There's so many of them, and they are so brainless, I could type anything here and they'd never know or understand. One would think that after our TX-1 Agonizer, TX-2 Butt Probe, and TM-7 Scrotum Smasher, they would know better than to ask stupid questions. Feel free to gnaw the crust off my taint, Tiny Worm Guitar Dude. Jeff Beck is dead, and you're a fairy boy wearing pink satin panties and a matching bra. Your mother's penis is bigger than yours. And your father is a duckbill platypus. Have a nice day, scroad."

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