Passage of life | Ambient soundscape with Korg Polysix, Roland SH-101, Strymon Volante

video upload by MIDERA

"This morning my daughter pleaded with me to work from home. It was really cute, and sad. I told her that even if I stayed home, I wouldn't really get to play with her. She insisted, 'You can work. I won't bother you.' I still left for work. I need the exercise (I bike to and from work and just won't do cardio if I don't have a reason to do it).

I got home, ate dinner (but was on my phone), gave her a bath (and was somewhat on my phone), then we watched TV together... I missed it. I missed the day with her, even when I was with her. All she wanted to do was to be with me. I was 'there' but not really.

All I can do is try again, to do better.

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Gear used:
Korg Polysix (sent through Strymon Volante)
Roland SH-101
All tracks sent through Eventide Blackhole VST"

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If this could bring you back | Rhodes Piano and Prophet 10 | Tribute to my father

video upload by MIDERA

"Eleven years today, July 22nd, 2010 - that sounds like a long time. It feels like no time, once you've gotten there. It's been 11 years since I watched the last breath leave my father. The sense of sadness, but relief - his pain was over.

I still have dreams about him - he always has stubble on his face (which he never had prior to cancer, he always kept his face clean) and I'm always shocked that he survived. "But... how did you survive??" Although normally I don't even ask him that anymore. I think I'm just happy to see him again, and my brain knows not to tempt it by asking those questions.

One time, after I'd gotten into a car accident and he was yelling at me over the phone, I found the words that dug into him and hurt him. I said to him, "You were never there for me." Apparently that ripped right into him and - I always regretted saying that. It reminds me of the lyrics from a Pearl Jam song, 'Some words when spoken, can't be taken back.'

I wrote him a letter, a few weeks before he died, apologizing for having said that back in 2003... He read it, I think, or I hope. My mom recently gave me the letter I wrote to him. Three pages of how proud I was of him, how I'd always regretted saying that to him, how I hoped he'd still be with us for a long time... After that - I don't think I actually saw him conscious, he was basically in a coma the next weekend and never woke up, except for some strange bouts of strength and alertness (although I wasn't there for that).

I ended my letter to him, saying that I'd love to read anything he'd write back to me. But there was nothing there. I never heard back."